First, thank you all for the incredible support generated by my last post. I debated with myself about whether or not I should post about being unemployed, and if people would be offended by the content. Luckily, myself convinced myself that I had enough conversations with other folks who were laid-off, that most people could understand the sentiment. And I was right.
But then again, I also was wrong.
Self-debate is filled with losers.
Another loser: my thyroid. On Monday, my thyroid will be forcibly ripped from my neck in a routine procedure. Then, they will check the shivering lump for any cancerous bumps, and discard it in a thyroid specific trash can. I believe it also gets teased by several doctors with fully functioning thyroids. I'm not sure what the teasing accomplishes, but I'm told it is all medically necessary.
To prevent my neck from putting up a fight, the doctors will have me suck some hippy-gas until I fall asleep. Anesthesia has a lot of upside of being a great sleeping aid, with only one real drawback -- the chance of death. Not being a huge fan of death, I'm reluctant in signing the "Can't Sue" waver, but since my neck frequently writes loving haikus to my thyroid, I feel that putting it to sleep is the only way to quell a resistance.
To come to terms with my impending minute chance of doom, I watched the pinnacle piece of cinema about death. The Bucket List is a 2007 masterpiece involving thespians Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicolson -- who are contractually required to be in every movie about old people) -- recovering from cancer. The two concoct a list of things they would like to do so that they could die fully fulfilled. See the pyramids, drive a sports car, and get a tattoo make the list. Strangely, spending quality time with the family or make sure next year's 1040s are in order do not make the cut.
Inspired by this American Classic, many people have created Bucket Lists. You can scour the Interwebs and find out the 100 places to visit before you die, or the 100 foods to eat before you die, or the 100 books you should read before you die. The problem of these mundane list items, is that there is so much to lose. What if you put down "See the Pyramids" on your list, and once you get there you just can't get over the oppressive heat? Or you read Moby Dick and realize that it's just about a whale? What then? You die unfulfilled and all the satisfied ghosts won't let you into their cool ghost club. That's what.
I have decide to make my own bucket list for two distinct reasons. 1.) Morgan Freeman told me to do it, and his voice has magical enchantments. 2.) If I don't finish the list I CAN NEVER DIE - MWAHAHAHAHAHA.
My Bucket List by Jack Grubb
1.) Participate in a large musical number in which the spoken word would not adequately express the emotion felt.
This musical number can arise spontaneously ala "Stick to the Status Quo" in High School Musical, or be meticulously planned like the end of Mr. Holland's Opus. It has to be big, involving many people and many voices, mostly to drown out my Pig-Stuck-In-A-Blender vocal stylings.
2.) Attend a dinner party speaking only in movie and T.V. quotes.
Those who guess said quotes will be awarded points based on the obscurity of the quote. Once someone reaches 100, I hand them a solid gold trophy, grab my coat and hat, and leave.
3.) Buy a coat and hat.
Trenchcoat and fedora, preferably. I also would like to slick back my hair, start smoking Pall Malls, and mutter wildly about saving the Savings & Loan.
4.) Finish my ABCs of Esoteric Words.
A is for avuncular. B is for bifurcate. It's never too early to become a Hipster.
5.) Start calling the mailman Scarecrow.
When he finally asks why, I'll touch his face and say, "because I'll miss you most of all."
6.) Pick what cabinet to haunt.
Haunting a whole house seems like a lot of work. I would rather just haunt a cabinet, especially the one where they keep the donuts. Knowing my luck, though, I'll end up with cups and mugs. Nobody gets scared of haunted cups and mugs.
7.) Do one set of stand-up comedy and/or improv.
Three things got in the way pf my comedy career: 1.) I didn't want to travel 45-50 weeks a year; 2.) I didn't really enjoy the company of most other stand-up people I met; 3.) I'm not funny. I would like to do one set, though, just to see what a disaster I would have been.
8.) Open up a Gamer Pub in Indianapolis.
I don't know why I have this stupid dream. I know nothing of retail or restauranting (or if restauranting is even a word). But I want a game store that makes money by selling beer, wine and pub food in the playing area. Special events would be aplenty. Bonus points by getting my brothers-in-laws to play along.
9.) Finish a story
I have about 20 started and none finished. Some because they suck, some because they closely resemble the plot of Ishtar, and some because I forgot where I saved the text. One day I will have a book published. Probably self-published on Amazon Kindle for 52 cents, but I will be in print along side such classics like: Texting Mr. Right and But...You're a Horse.
10.) Have a ginormous party with all my friends.
The Queen has amassed a plethora of friends during every move. One or two can stomach me, also. Combine those with my childhood and college friends and we could fill an average size Pizza Hut. We'll invite everyone, just enter with the password, "I got booze." It would be doubly faboo if the night could end with a large musical number.
Jack Grubb writes an incredible blog, Losing the Internets, which is read by at least 37 people and over 2,100 Russian SPAM bots. In his spare time he helps small companies find their marketing voice. Jack currently lives deliberately in Appalachia, Kentucky with his wife, two daughters, Jack Russell and a Lego collection beyond compare.