I've been pondering a lot about wizards lately. The way that think they're vastly superior to all us No-Majs. With their secret societies, and their bathrobes for clothing, and their penchant for endorsing creature-based indentured servitude. Who died and made them Dumbledore?
Maybe I'm just testy because of the last conversation that I had with Joe Pigglebottom, who just happens to be an auror in this place called the Ministry of Magic. We were going to go to see Paddington 2, and he just pops in and...well you tell me.
Joe: Hey, man, you ready?
Me: Dude, you can't just pop in like that. We talked about it. What if I was naked?
Joe: Then I could tweak your nipples.
Me: I don't think you understand. I don't want my nipples tweaked.
Joe: Fine, I won't apparate in anymore. I'll ring the doorbell like a schmuck.
Me: That's all I'm asking. Anyway, Jenny said she may want to go with us.
Joe: Great! I'll just apparate over and...
Me: No! You can just pop out of thin air inside people's houses. What if she's naked?
Joe: Then I'll tweak her nipples.
Me: That's called sexual assault. And it's genuinely frowned upon.
Joe: You muggles are so prudish. Fine, just let me get my parchment, an ink bottle and a quill.
(Joe ruffles through pockets)
Me: What are you doing?
Joe: I'm writing her a letter via owl. She should get it in a few days.
Me: Dude, the movie starts in an hour.
Joe: Oh dear, that soon? Well, hopefully she's by a fireplace.
Joe: I'm going to stick my head in it and she will see it on the other side.
Me: That's insane! And unnecessary. She just said she would meet us there.
Joe: How do you know that? Are you a Legilimens?
Me: I texted her on my phone.
Joe: What in Merlin's Beard is a phone?
(I pull my iPhone from pocket)
Me: Wizards don't use phones?
Joe: Why would we when we have owls?
Me: I prefer my messages with a little less bird feces.
Joe: What else can you muggles do?
Me: We can be a lot less patronizing, especially since I'm talking to someone who still reads by torchlight.
Joe: What do you use?
Me: Electricity. Look around, Einstein. It's everywhere.
(Joe wanders around flicking on every switch)
Joe: Fascinating. You muggles can do so much with so little.
Me: If you're going to treat us like trained monkeys, I don't think I want to go to the movie with you anymore.
Joe: Won't the actors be disappointed?
Me: No, it's a movie. It's on a screen. Like your photographs, but longer and with sound.
Joe: That sounds absolutely primitive. Won't you please let me attend?
Me: I have a feeling that I'm just a social experiment to you.
Joe: But I have so many questions: How do you do laundry? Why aren't your sports mortally dangerous?
Me: I think we're done here. Why don't you disappear?
Joe: Come on! What is the purpose of a rubber duck? Asking for a friend.
(I symbolically open the front door)
Me: Just go.
Joe: Fine. Just let me obliviate you, take some knick-knacks and I'll be on my way.
Me: You are going to mess with my mind? How is this ethical -- or legal?
Joe: Only to muggles. Now hold still.
Me: What was I doing again? Hey! Where's my TV?
At least that's how I'm sure it happened. I definitely didn't get drunk and pawn the TV for Taco Bell money. That would be wrong.
*My editor would like the viewing public to know that I didn't really get drunk and pawn the TV. I don't need to be drunk to pawn anything.
**My editor would like the viewing public to know that I don't actually pawn anything. I sell plasma.
***My editor would like me to shut up.
Jack Grubb writes an incredible blog, Losing the Internets, which is read by at least 37 people and over 2,100 Russian SPAM bots. In his spare time he helps small companies find their marketing voice. Jack currently lives deliberately in Appalachia, Kentucky with his wife, two daughters, Jack Russell and a Lego collection beyond compare.