The Case of the Kleptomaniac Wizard

I've been pondering a lot about wizards lately.  The way that think they're vastly superior to all us No-Majs.  With their secret societies, and their bathrobes for clothing, and their penchant for endorsing creature-based indentured servitude.  Who died and made them Dumbledore?

Maybe I'm just testy because of the last conversation that I had with Joe Pigglebottom, who just happens to be an auror in this place called the Ministry of Magic.  We were going to go to  see Paddington 2, ​and he just pops in and...well you tell me.

*pop*

Joe: Hey, man, you ready?
Me: Dude, you can't just pop in like that.  We talked about it.  What if I was naked?
Joe: Then I could tweak your nipples.
Me: I don't think you understand.  I don't want my nipples tweaked.
Joe: Fine, I won't apparate in anymore. I'll ring the doorbell like a schmuck.
Me: That's all I'm asking.  Anyway, Jenny said she may want to go with us.
Joe: Great!  I'll just apparate over and...
Me: No!  You can just pop out of thin air inside people's houses.  What if she's naked?
Joe: Then I'll tweak her nipples.
Me: That's called sexual assault.  And it's genuinely frowned upon.
Joe: You muggles are so prudish.  Fine, just let me get my parchment, an ink bottle and a quill.

​(Joe ruffles through pockets)

Me: What are you doing?
Joe: I'm writing her a letter via owl.  She should get it in a few days.
Me: Dude, the movie starts in an hour.
Joe: Oh dear, that soon?  Well, hopefully she's by a fireplace.
Me: Why?
Joe: I'm going to stick my head in it and she will see it on the other side.
Me: That's insane!  And unnecessary.  She just said she would meet us there.
Joe: How do you know that?  Are you a Legilimens?
Me: I texted her on my phone.
Joe: What in Merlin's Beard is a phone?

(I pull my iPhone from pocket)

Me: Wizards don't use phones?
Joe: Why would we when we have owls?
Me: I prefer my messages with a little less bird feces.
Joe: What else can you muggles do?
Me: We can be a lot less patronizing, especially since I'm talking to someone who still reads by torchlight.
Joe: What do you use?
Me: Electricity.  Look around, Einstein.  It's everywhere.

(Joe wanders around flicking on every switch)

Joe: Fascinating.  You muggles can do so much with so little.
Me: If you're going to treat us like trained monkeys, I don't think I want to go to the movie with you anymore.
Joe: Won't the actors be disappointed?
Me: No, it's a movie.  It's on a screen.  Like your photographs, but longer and with sound.
Joe: That sounds absolutely primitive.  Won't you please let me attend?
Me: I have a feeling that I'm just a social experiment to you.
Joe: But I have so many questions:  How do you do laundry?  Why aren't your sports mortally dangerous?
Me: I think we're done here.  Why don't you disappear?
Joe: Come on!  What is the purpose of a rubber duck?  Asking for a friend.

(I symbolically open the front door)

Me: Just go.
Joe: Fine.  Just let me obliviate you, take some knick-knacks and I'll be on my way.
Me: You are going to mess with my mind?  How is this ethical -- or legal?
Joe: Only to muggles.  Now hold still.
Me: Wait...

*pop*

Me: What was I doing again?  Hey!  Where's my TV?

At least that's how I'm sure it happened.  I definitely didn't get drunk and pawn the TV for Taco Bell money.  That would be wrong.

​
*My editor would like the viewing public to know that I didn't really get drunk and pawn the TV.  I don't need to be drunk to pawn anything.

**My editor would like the viewing public to know that I don't actually pawn anything.  I sell plasma.

​***My editor would like me to shut up.