For my whole life, I had horrible hair. My 217 cowlicks and penchant to produce roughly 2.1 liters of hair grease a day had previously led the EPA to declare my head a public disaster area. My right side always stood straight up as if a ghost constantly hid behind every door frame just to jump out and shout "Boo!" My left side of my head declared war on the right side, and while the right side was clearly distracted, it launched a sneak attack with a sweep and started to take over.
Frankly, I given up. I decided that the only way to tame the mane was to let it take over my entire body. I let the back grow into my shirt collar. My bangs overtook my eyebrows, making all looks of astonishment obsolete. My ears also disappeared underneath the sideburns from hell, which accounts for all times I could not hear important chore lists from the Queen. At the same time, I decided not to trim my beard so it would not conflict with the homeless motif I had going on.
By the time the Queen had enough and ordered my haircut, I approximately looked like this:
I was skeptical at first. No one ever cut my Cthulhu-like hair without going a bit insane. Could I ruin another person's life like that? Perhaps I could if they were a horrible person, like one that goes out after work and sells crack cocaine to baby seals. But never someone normal with a family and dreams. That would be barbaric! (Get it? Barbaric...barber. I'm hilarious!)
I relented because I subscribe to the mantra, "Happy wife, happy life." On Saturday, we bundled up the Princess and braved the elements to Platinum Black and happened to run into a miracle worker. Lizzie took one look at the hot mess in front of her, rolled up her sleeves, and gave a viking yawp that would please the gods. I admit it, I blacked out a bit and don't know exactly what happened, but I heard from others in the shop that it was like watching Da Vinci paint the Mona Lisa.
When I came to, Lizzie talked about my hair as "hip" and "stylish." I'm not too sure how "hip" a work-at-home dad who has seen all three seasons of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic can be, but for one shining moment, I'll take it. So how do I look? Pretty damn good!
I may even amount to a "Hey, Bud" guy. You know when you meet someone who has it so together that when they shake your hand for the first time, they also give you a arm slap and say, "Hey, Bud," like you have known them for years. The guy who always wears his jacket at a party because he's "only staying for one drink." With this new do and some new clothes, I could attain that unreachable milestone.
Or I could become a model. A husky model with awesome hair.
Jack Grubb writes an incredible blog, Losing the Internets, which is read by at least 37 people and over 2,100 Russian SPAM bots. In his spare time he helps small companies find their marketing voice. Jack currently lives deliberately in Appalachia, Kentucky with his wife, two daughters, Jack Russell and a Lego collection beyond compare.